Sunday, December 07, 2003

 
I may be making a little magazine. Nothing special. Everyone has one. I need mine. I've got some stuff already. I've got ideas. Who wants in? Little magazine days are winding down. I need to act fast.
posted by BC 11:58 PM

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

 
fuck you eudora fuck you race fuck you money, the root of all things evil in this world FUCK YOU fuck you shitty asheville sunny hot as FALL weather fuck you you fuck you Eudora peice of shit fuck you money fuck you you you you fuck you Mosely fuck you and your stupid requirements fuck all of you in that department who had a hand in deciding those requirements Maitra you're ok. everyone else can fucking eat it. fuck you money fuck you stupid 80 degree weather fuck you metric system, I use Farenheit fuck you Celcius you were created so British people could feel more superior over the Americans which may be true but don't fucking rub it in with your stupid pathetic little quantities. fuck you fuck you forrest fuck you for trying to a father figure fuck you stupid fuck fuck money fuck you money twice fuck you no munch money fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you Plato mother fucker fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you Fiodhnflkajsdhfhnadsfhasdofhasdjfkaslrkflsadflfdaslfdaslsfadsljfdasljfasdasfll Fuck you blogger i can't even fucking post this
posted by BC 11:46 AM

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

 
Have you heard anything good lately? Or maybe dug up some old favorites? Personally, I find the amount of good music availible very overwhelming. This is a great time in music. Don't miss out on music of any genre.
posted by BC 9:17 AM

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

 
Local Church's Youth Director May Be High

MEMPHIS, TN--Local youth participants in the Emmanuel United Methodist Youth Fellowship program on Sunday night made claims that the youth director, Hank Hilliard, may in fact have been high.

Accounts of the night in question state that Mr. Hillard was exhibiting extreme "euphoric" and "silly" reactions during the "Pass The Bible" game which they play at the begining of each session. "I was in the middle of my 'Pass the Bible' story and Hank was like, laughing all crazy. It was weird," claimed thirteen year-old participant Mike Keiths. "Yeah, he was mumbling and drooling sort of and stuff."

Other members were more concerned. Tobey Williams was "really freaking scared," when he heard Hank Hillard explaining how long eternity was at length. "He was talking about the end of the world coming soon and then he was trying to tell us that eternity is longer than all comprehensible measurement. Then he started crying and eating all the cupcakes I had to bring for this week," Hillary Flankston descibed in gentle sobs shortly after the EUMYF session had ajourned. "That guy was on something or something," youth spokesman Michelle Tankerbell told reporters.

Hank Hilliard became full time director of the EUMYF in 1995 with a Bachelor of Science degree in Business Administration from Birmingham-Southern College. Senior Minister Rev. J. Barry Benson made no excuses for Hank Hilliard, but also concluded that he had really done nothing wrong. "Hank Hilliard is a great guy, I played football with his daddy in college. He lives and breathes God, and relates really well with those kids. There is no way he would ever jepordize that by using drugs," Rev. Benson noted. "I'm sure he was just getting carried away with the lesson."

Hank declined to comment, although his wife will issue a written statement to the press later this week. No charges have been pressed as of today, but an investigation may be initiated.
posted by BC 9:56 AM

 
Shit Is Not Cold At All Say Scientists

ATLANTA, GA--Scientists from the Georgia Institute of Technology published reports on Friday shit is not at all "cold" as was reported earlier by David Huntington of Sanford NC, in December 2002.

"From a collection of about 300 samples, we found that shit dosen't get any colder than about 68 degrees Fahrenheit," noted acclaimed biologist Dr. Fredrick Johansen. "That shit was not cold at all."

These trials come as a result to David Huntington's shocking report to the world last December. "This shit is cold, man," David declared after reading a letter from his ex-girlfriend for the sixty-seventh time. Reports of David's findings were leaked to the press in a matter of hours and soon after the world stood still.

"I had no idea shit was cold," mother of four Donna Cabalero told The Onion. "I've never really touched it, so I guess I really shouldn't know."

Asked if he had any idea what kind of ramifications his theroy held on the rest of the world, David simply said, "Bitch better not come crawling back is all."

Researchers at Georgia Tech were anxious to publish the five-hundered page document. "Russia was planning the same expiriments two days after we announced ours," public relations director for Georgia Tech Debbie McCraken told the press. "As Americans, we just could not let them win." Director of the expiriment Dr. Charles Causey, a biologist and amateaur physicist enlisted extra researchers from around the globe to help speed the expiriments, claiming "we tested that shit as fast as possible."

In the wake of these results, other universities are considering testing other quantatative measurements of shit. Brown University recently proposed a plan to quantify the amount of a "shit-load." Cornell University has announced a similar plan, only they will test a more obscure "ass-load." Researches at The University of Wisconsin—Madison are planning to use their brand-new state-of-the-art laboratory facilities to test the increasingly common "hard as shit."

Wisconsin University Chancellor John D. Wiley added, "We're really interested, and really excited in finding out how hard shit really is. For years we've been saying 'That's hard as shit,' but we've never asked, 'Well, how hard is shit?' Hopefully our research will answer a lot of questions."

Georgia-Tech is reportedly in negotiations with the US Navy regarding their findings. The Pentagon did not return any of our calls for questioning. Research interns suggested that the Navy wanted to "find out a bunch of shit on shit." The interns then laughed hysterically.




posted by BC 9:22 AM

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

 
.Go here. Very funny. I think
posted by BC 12:08 PM

Sunday, December 29, 2002

 
I was reading over some of these past scripts and I have to say, a lot of this is pretty lame (see Malcontents Make Me Look Average). I can do better. But probably not today.

What Code 2 Means
by Herman Civils

ACT 1; SCENE 1
A young man of a twenty-ish age is riding the city bus downtown. The boy sits right-center while his inner-monolouge is relayed to the audience with an actor downstage left center.

Devon - Sweats profusely and looks around nervously
Inner-Monolouge - Fuck what street is this? What street is this? Where are the fucking street signs? Hello, street signs? Where the fuck am I? What sort of fucking city dosen't have...oh, Mason Street. Fuck it all. One, two, um...
Devon - Reaches inside his coat pocket and pulls out a map. He studies it for a moments and places it back inside his coat pocket.
Inner-Monolouge - This lady is friggin huge. I bet she eats salads too. She's going to fly that's for sure. I like these shoes but I can't find anymore like them. I wonder if that place out on 401 has some. I should have gone their yesterday, damn it. How big are her pads? Do you have to be of a certain size to use tampons or what? For someone as big as her, she doesn't smell very bad. I think we should have discussed me carrying a CD player. That's more conspicous I think. Makes it look like I'm in my own world. Oh well, no more Rush Greatest Hits. Oh well. Did I turn off the oven? You jerk, does it matter? Five more stops I think. Oh here's one. Fuck, you'd think people would be a little more brisk. These people and their sad ways - I guess I'd take my fucking time if I was one of them, lazy and stupid. Wish I had eaten that blintz. Crapity crap crap, I want my blintz! Blintz blintz blintz blintz blintz blintz. I wish I had made up that name. What time is it? Watch. What? Where is my...my...watch, where is my watch?
Devon - Frantically searches his pockets for his watch. Mam, do you have the time please?
Lady 1 - 6:10
Inner-Monlouge - 6:10, it's getting close. Getting closer. What door do I go in? Will if be obvious, I hope? This deoderant is an anti-perspirant I think. It's really making my pit hairs hurt. Can't let that affect my performance. Minus ten points for that guy with the toupe. That's just ridiculous. Rye-dick-you-luss. Uhp! Next stop. Next stop. Whew my stomach is killing me. Like a knife in my small intestines. But can't stomach acid dissolve metal or something. WHy would I swallow a knife? Geez, I wish I had some Pepto or something, geez. Owch, this is fucking insane! One stop, hurry. Han old buddy don't fail me now. This lady better move her fat ass when I get up. It's 6:12 I guess. Come on, you can turn right on red. Turn! Turn you fuck! Mo mo mo mo, hurry up! I guess I could do my prayers, maybe now. It's getting close I think. Lord, please deliver me to heaven and protect the fortress of your power from those who chose a life of sin. I pray to be with me in my quest to clean your creation, to rid your doings of evil, forever amen. Be with us this day, in your name I pray. Amen. Mercy mercy mercy. Hurry. This is a really hot coat. Really hot. I'm a rabid monkey in this thing. Let's go let's go. The bus stops and the door opens. Devon gets up quickly and walks off the bus. Devon exits stage right. This is the day that the lord has made. Let us be glad in it. How great thou art? How great thou art? Door door door? Ah, entrance. Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost...
Lady 2 - offstage Um, sir do you have an apointment.
Inner-Monlouge - ...but now I'm found...
Lady 2 Sir! Sir, do you have an apointment-HEY you can't go back their. Sir! Security! Security!
Inner-Monlouge - Deliver us from evil, for thine is thy kingdom...
Lady 2 - Sir this is a private facility!
Inner-Monlouge - ...and the power...
Lady 2 - SECURITY! CODE 2!
Inner-Monlouge - ...and the glory...
Lady 2 - He's there in the black coat!
Inner-Monlouge - ...forever...
Lady 2 - In the coat-HE'S WEARING A-
Inner-Monlouge - ...AMEN!...

A thundering explosion goes off, followed by a blasting sound of glass and concrete. Dust settles slowly and a fire rumbles violently as sounds of the distant sirens can be heard faintly.



posted by BC 10:52 PM

Thursday, December 26, 2002

 
HA! I beat you. I am tentatively scheduled to go back to UNCA this upcoming semester, SPRING 2003. I have to make a few meetings, push a few digits on the celly (HA HA HA HA HA HA) and I should be back good as new. I am also proud to announce that I am 73% less irritable, 80% less depressed, kid tested, mother approved, etc. Look for me in the new Consumer Reports, on newssands everywhere!

So let's put the past behind us, and look forward. God speed and good night.

Mr. Herman Civils
posted by BC 5:14 PM