Tuesday, February 04, 2003

 
Local Church's Youth Director May Be High

MEMPHIS, TN--Local youth participants in the Emmanuel United Methodist Youth Fellowship program on Sunday night made claims that the youth director, Hank Hilliard, may in fact have been high.

Accounts of the night in question state that Mr. Hillard was exhibiting extreme "euphoric" and "silly" reactions during the "Pass The Bible" game which they play at the begining of each session. "I was in the middle of my 'Pass the Bible' story and Hank was like, laughing all crazy. It was weird," claimed thirteen year-old participant Mike Keiths. "Yeah, he was mumbling and drooling sort of and stuff."

Other members were more concerned. Tobey Williams was "really freaking scared," when he heard Hank Hillard explaining how long eternity was at length. "He was talking about the end of the world coming soon and then he was trying to tell us that eternity is longer than all comprehensible measurement. Then he started crying and eating all the cupcakes I had to bring for this week," Hillary Flankston descibed in gentle sobs shortly after the EUMYF session had ajourned. "That guy was on something or something," youth spokesman Michelle Tankerbell told reporters.

Hank Hilliard became full time director of the EUMYF in 1995 with a Bachelor of Science degree in Business Administration from Birmingham-Southern College. Senior Minister Rev. J. Barry Benson made no excuses for Hank Hilliard, but also concluded that he had really done nothing wrong. "Hank Hilliard is a great guy, I played football with his daddy in college. He lives and breathes God, and relates really well with those kids. There is no way he would ever jepordize that by using drugs," Rev. Benson noted. "I'm sure he was just getting carried away with the lesson."

Hank declined to comment, although his wife will issue a written statement to the press later this week. No charges have been pressed as of today, but an investigation may be initiated.
posted by BC 9:56 AM

 
Shit Is Not Cold At All Say Scientists

ATLANTA, GA--Scientists from the Georgia Institute of Technology published reports on Friday shit is not at all "cold" as was reported earlier by David Huntington of Sanford NC, in December 2002.

"From a collection of about 300 samples, we found that shit dosen't get any colder than about 68 degrees Fahrenheit," noted acclaimed biologist Dr. Fredrick Johansen. "That shit was not cold at all."

These trials come as a result to David Huntington's shocking report to the world last December. "This shit is cold, man," David declared after reading a letter from his ex-girlfriend for the sixty-seventh time. Reports of David's findings were leaked to the press in a matter of hours and soon after the world stood still.

"I had no idea shit was cold," mother of four Donna Cabalero told The Onion. "I've never really touched it, so I guess I really shouldn't know."

Asked if he had any idea what kind of ramifications his theroy held on the rest of the world, David simply said, "Bitch better not come crawling back is all."

Researchers at Georgia Tech were anxious to publish the five-hundered page document. "Russia was planning the same expiriments two days after we announced ours," public relations director for Georgia Tech Debbie McCraken told the press. "As Americans, we just could not let them win." Director of the expiriment Dr. Charles Causey, a biologist and amateaur physicist enlisted extra researchers from around the globe to help speed the expiriments, claiming "we tested that shit as fast as possible."

In the wake of these results, other universities are considering testing other quantatative measurements of shit. Brown University recently proposed a plan to quantify the amount of a "shit-load." Cornell University has announced a similar plan, only they will test a more obscure "ass-load." Researches at The University of Wisconsin—Madison are planning to use their brand-new state-of-the-art laboratory facilities to test the increasingly common "hard as shit."

Wisconsin University Chancellor John D. Wiley added, "We're really interested, and really excited in finding out how hard shit really is. For years we've been saying 'That's hard as shit,' but we've never asked, 'Well, how hard is shit?' Hopefully our research will answer a lot of questions."

Georgia-Tech is reportedly in negotiations with the US Navy regarding their findings. The Pentagon did not return any of our calls for questioning. Research interns suggested that the Navy wanted to "find out a bunch of shit on shit." The interns then laughed hysterically.




posted by BC 9:22 AM