Wednesday, February 13, 2002

 
To all the lovers out there who have always wanted to "role-play" in the bedroom but were afraid to, go here for a script. If you don't like it, I have four more for you perverts to try out. Did I say perverts? I meant, lovers. Sorry. Anyway, on with the show!

Teddy Bear Hump
by Herman Civils

Alissa is giving some sort of oral pleasure to Page.

Page: Alissa?
Alissa: (looks up) Hmm?
Page: Turn over.
Alissa: (stops sucking) What?
Page: Just turn over. Just...just turn over.
Alissa: Why? What are you going to do?
Page: Nothing. I just want to love you. Now, just turn over.
Alissa: No, you tell me why.
Page: I jus want to make love to you. That's all.
Alissa: Then why do I have to turn over? Can't I just lay on my back? Or, can't I take the top? You know that's my favorite posish.
Page: I know, I know, but today's Valentine's Day and I just thought it would be cool to try something new.
Alissa: Oh really? What is it this year, huh? Flying monkey goop? Angle of God? Parasympathetic ostrich crane?
Page: Well, sort of.
Alissa: How "sort of?"
Page: Well, it has a name.
Alissa: Really? And what would that name be?
Page: Jesus, why can't you just trust me. I'm not going to hurt you.
Alissa: And in that same respect why can't you just tell me? Don't you trust me?
Page: Yeah, but...but just do it, ok? Just turn over.
Alissa: Give me a name first.
Page: It's the uh, Teddy Bear Hump.
Alissa: Are you serious?
Page: Yes. The Teddy Bear Hump. That's the name, now turn over.
Alissa: I don't believe you.
Page: Well, that's your loss. This is the Teddy Bear Hump and many women have died begging for it. So here I am, I want to give it to you. You should be grateful.
Alissa: I don't know. I've never heard of a Teddy Bear Hump.
Page: Ok, who reads Maxim here? Huh? Huh? Anyone? Well I do. I read Maxim and I think I would know.
Alissa: Geez Page, if it means that much then fine. I'll do this fucking position, for you! God knows I've done just about everything short of having you ass fuck me.
Page: Well...
Alissa: Huh?
Page: Nothing, I just have to get a new condom.
Alissa: No, you were saying something. You said, "Well..." What? What did that mean.
Page: Just that; "Well, I have to get a new condom."
Alissa: You want to fuck my ass don't you?
Page: No.
Alissa: Yes you do! You want to fuck my ass!
Page: No, no. That's not what the Teddy Bear Hump is about. There's no ass humping.
Alissa: You want to doggy-style me! You fucking...fucking man! You are such the male!
Page: OK! So what, I wanted to fuck you in the ass, so what? How do you know you wouldn't like it?
Alissa: It's not so much how I would feel. Although, contrary to popular man-belief, it does not feel could to have a cock in your ass hole. It's more about what it represents.
Page: I'm not painting a portrait. I'm not making a fucking sculpture.
Alissa: "Fucking sculputre?" That's exactly what it sounds like you're trying to make.
Page: Whatever. The point is, I just wanted to try something new, something fun. But no, you want the same ol' missionary shit.
Alissa: When you bend a woman over to fuck her in the ass, you are basiclly saying, "Bitch, you are subservient to me and all my brothers. Take this cock as a token of appreciation for your warm ass hole." I mean, how does that reflect on me, your fucking girlfriend?
Page: Huh?
Alissa: Look, I'm glad you want to spice things up, but shoving your dick in my ass isn't my idea of fun.
Page: Well, it was worth a shot.
Alissa: It was a valiant effort, but it was futile. You should have known.
Page: Yeah, I should have known not to date a feminist.
Alissa: (laughs) Would a feminist do this? (sucks his dick)
Page: I guess not.

END SCENE
posted by BC 9:55 PM

 
I apologize to all the literature majors out there. This is a terrible attempt and I am well aware of my lack of talent in the poetry arena. But, I just got done watching the Baz Lurhman adaptation of "Romeo and Juliet," (starring Claire Danes, Brian Denehy, and "him") and I just had a hankering to do something different. Many apologies, to everyone. Hell, apologies on the house!


Awaken, Bitch!: Part IX
by Herman Civils


Alan - Youth of sixteen years, and lover to Madeline.
Madeline - Youth of fifteen years and lover to Alan.

Alan and Madeline are asleep in Alan's bedchambers.


Alan:
Arise fair madien! Dawn awakens thee!
Morning's bath cleanses yesterday's filth
and makes day clean for a new one, today.

Madeline: (awakens and smiles brightly)
'Tis easy to assume a new morn.
Dew lingers on the petals of roses.
Sun awakens life in crevices unseen.
Frost melts and time resets itself. Yet,
Is it not still night, not still a dream?
Thine lover's breath is still sweet and warm.
Thine bosom is still cold and naked.
Deliver me not from whence I came
But let me stay till death steals my breath!

Alan:
These things you speak are foolish my love.
I ask thee not to make proclaimed haste,
But relinquish thy self from thy dreams.
Art thou eager of the dawn's new gift?

Madeline:
The lies your tounge speaks are colorful.
You act as though fornight was a mistake.
Tell me, sir, art thou forgetful of last night?
Or, do thy lips taste of thy lifeless heart
from whence you have stolen for destruction?

Alan:
Fair lady of the morn! Glorious love!
Let these soiled provalactics speak loud
for they know of our passionate embraces.
Mention of the morn, I served to delight,
To entertain thy love in warm affection.
Thy love is too sweet for interjections
Of comedy and pitiful narratives.

Madeline:
Kill me a thousand times over again.
I can not bear bringing such hostility.
Accusations are meant for court of law,
Not for thine's bed chamber on new morn.
(long pause)
I catch myself falling in love.
Falling without resistance and effort.

Alan:
Then we can agree to love.
If not now, then forever till then.

Madeline:
Kiss me!

(they embrace)



END SCENE
posted by BC 8:43 PM

Sunday, February 10, 2002

 
Valentine's Day is coming up and it reminds me of a very special Valentine's Day that occured two years ago. The following scene's are true, and only the names have been altered to protect their newfound identities. I hope that these people don't think worse of me. I'm trying my best to make fun of myself, because it was humiliating and insanely typical, given my sex (male). I only mean to make fun, not make trouble. Enjoy. (Hey Meg!)


It's A Good Thing We Can Laugh About This Now. Right?
by Herman Civils


Sherman: Junior guy. Dating Margot.
Margot: Junior girl. Dating Sherman.
Deana: Junior girl. Friend to Jamesy, Margot, and Sherman.
Jamesy: Junior girl. Friend to Deana, Margot and Sherman.


SCENE 1
Margot and Sherman are walking down the hall together. Margot is carrying a vase with a colorful flower arrangement.

Sherman: Hey sweet thingy.
Margot: (smiling brightly) Hey baby.
Sherman: I heard your name called. Who sent you flowers?
Margot: Someone.
Sherman: Who?
Margot: Somone.
Sherman: Come on, who? Your mom?
Margot: No.
Sherman: Then who? Your dad? Come on.
Margot: Just someone.
Sherman: Margot. (pause) Who sent you the flowers?
Margot: (stops walking) You'll get mad.
Sherman: No I won't. Just tell me. Just be honest with me.
Margot: (pouty faced) No, you'll just get mad at me.
Sherman: No, I promise I won't get mad at you. Just tell me who sent you the fucking flowers.
Margot: See! I told you!
Sherman: Just tell me Margot. Please?
Margot: (long pause) Promise you won't get mad?
Sherman: I promise. Just tell me.
Margot: (long pause) Matt Seatman.
Sherman: (instantly angry) WHO?
Margot: Matt Seatman.
Sherman: What the fuck? What the fuck is he sending you fucking flowers for? What the fucking fuckity fuck? Why? What the fuck fucky fuck fuck?
Margot: Calm down, jeez. They're just flowers.
Sherman: Yeah and you think flowers don't mean something? Those daisies there. Yeah, they like, represent your, um, virginity, and by giving them to you, it's sign that he wants to take your virginity.
Margot: (chuckles nervously) You're full of shit. God, they are just freakin' flowers.
Sherman: They're never "just flowers." They are a symbol of your youth and beauty and the arrangement represents his strategy on how to woo you into his pants. Don't tell me they don't mean anything. They mean something.
Margot: God, you are so overreacting. They are just a joke.
Sherman: It won't be a joke when I beat his ass.
Margot: (chuckles) Yeah right.
Sherman: Yeah, you said it. Right. I'm going. Fuck you and your "new flower friend."
END SCENE


SCENE 2
The final bell rings and Sherman storms out of his chemistry class. Margot is waiting outside, apologetic, but Sherman blows her off and keeps walking. He see's Deana and Jamesy down the hall and they stop him urgently

Deana: Sherman, Sherman! Wait, hold up!
Jamesy: We have something you need to know.
Sherman: (reluctant and angry) Ok, what is it? I have to go.
Jamesy: We sent those flowers to Meg, not Matt.
Deana: Yeah, we thought it would be funny. A joke.
Sherman: You're just covering.
Deana: No, no we are not. It was really a joke.
Sherman: Yeah, right. Anyway, I have to be going.
Jamesy: Sherman! It was a fucking joke. We were just playing around, we thought it would be funny. Lighten up and quit taking it out on Margot.
Sherman: Nice try, but I just don't buy it. (walks off)
EXIT Sherman
Jamesy: Jesus, what a fucking dolt!
Deana: I guess we can't play jokes on Mr. Witty.
Jamesy: I know. Jesus. What the fuck?
Deana: I know.
Jamesy: What the fuck?
Deana: I know. (pause) Shit, I could still be dating that asshole right now.
Jamesy: I know. Thank god you did the right thing.
Deana: I don't know. Sometimes I wonder...
ENTER Margot
Margot: (walks by, slum) Sorry about all this guys. I thought it was funny.
Deana: Oh, no, we're sorry. We didn't mean for all this to happen Margot.
Jamesy: No, no, we are so so sorry. We really are.
Margot: I know. It's no big deal. Anyway, I'm going to try and find him and maybe straighten all this out. I'll see you tomorrow. (walks off)
EXIT Margot
Jamesy: Aw that poor girl. Too bad they're perfect for each other.
Deana: I know.
Jamesy: You were kidding about that stuff earlier, right?
Deana: About what?
Jamesy: The whole, "Sometimes I wonder," crap.
Deana: (laughs) Oh yeah, I was definately joking.

Both laugh in unison

END SCENE

posted by BC 10:37 PM