Saturday, February 09, 2002

 
Higher Learning and Terrible Puns
by Herman Civils


Ms. Miller - 26 year-old second grade teacher.
Mrs. Caufield - 42 year-old kindergarten teacher.
Mr. Cross - 31 year-old first grade teacher.

Ms. Miller and Mrs. Caufield are in the teacher's lounge standing by an open window. They are smoking a joint.

Ms. Miller: So, then I said, "Fuck me? Please!" (laughs takes a hit)
Mrs. Caufield: (laughs hysterically) Ohh that's great. That's a great, uh...ummm
Ms. Miller: (passes the joint to Mrs. Caufield) Uhh, an anecdote.
Mrs. Caufield: (laughs and takes a hit) That's right. That's what I'm fucking talking about.
Ms. Miller: You're the one with the fucking masters. You should've known that. (laughs)
Mrs. Caufield: I know, I know. (laughs) Oh, I wish I was young again. Use those years to have a little more fun.
Ms. Miller: Well, it's not good all the time. I don't have tenure yet. (takes a hit)
Mrs. Caufield: Well that's true, I do have tenure. I do have that.

Door opens. Enter Mr. Cross.

Mr. Cross: Hey! What's going on in here?!
Ms. Miller: (puts out the joint real quick) Uhhhhhhhhh
Mrs. Caufield: Uhhhhhhh we were just um, uh, smoking a ciagrette. It's just a cigarette, uh...
Mr. Cross: (long pause) (face goes from stern to a big smile) I'm only kidding ladies, I'm just kidding!
Ms. Miller: Really?
Mr. Cross: Really.
Mrs. Caufield: (chuckles) Oh god, thank goodness. You scared us to shit.
Mr. Cross: I know, I thought it would be funny.
Ms. Miller: Yeah, well, just don't do it again.
Mr. Cross: Ok, whatever. Say, was there any of that joint left?
Mrs. Caufield: You smoke weed?
Mr. Cross: I'm a first grade teacher, I'm not a fucking idiot. Now come on, are you holding or what?
Mrs. Caufield: (long pause) Um, sure (passes the joint to Mr. Cross) here.
Mr. Cross: (gets out a lighter) You girls don't mind do you?
Mrs. Caufield: Well, just don't fuck the roation.
Ms. Miller: Yeah, that's sacred. Just 'cause we're women dosen't mean we don't know the rules.
Mr. Cross: (lights it) Ok, ok, ok, don't worry about it. (takes big hit and coughs) Geez, this is reaaaaalllllllyyyyyyy good stuff. Where'd you get it?
Mrs. Caufield: (laughs and pause) I don't remember.
Mr. Cross: (laughs and passes to Ms. Miller) Oh really. Well, it's pretty good.
Ms. Miller: (takes a hit and says to Mr. Cross) Shouldn't you be in class?
Mr. Cross: No, the kids are in PE.
Mrs. Caufield: Shit, that means mine are getting back. Fuck!
Ms. Miller: Here, take one before you go back. (hands the joint to Mrs. Caufield)
Mrs. Caufield: (takes the joint and takes a big hit) Whew, that's was good. I'll see you guy's later. (gives the joint to Mr. Cross) I have to fucking go.
Ms. Miller: (laughs) `Aight. See ya.
Mr. Cross: (laughs and takes a hit) Yeah, yeah, this is the life.
Ms. Miller: I disagree.
Mr. Cross: (long pause) Me too.

Both laugh in unison.

END SCENE

posted by BC 2:21 PM

Tuesday, February 05, 2002

 
Call It Fate, Call It Luck, Call It Karma
by Herman Civils


Callie - Twenty-something. Friend to Liz.
Liz - Twenty-something. Friend to Callie.
Narrator - Liz at age 42.

Callie and Liz are sitting in a living room. Callie is on a couch, Liz is on a chair. The narrator is played by an older looking Liz and is onstage as the curtain opens.

Narrator: In the history of the world, there have been many, many millions of life changing events that occur daily. They are happening as we speak in fact, here and now. I will admit and testify to being altered by exessential events that I have no control over, and I can admit that they happen often. I have many stories, almost too many to tell. But I have to say, that in my long and tumultuous life, that none of them were quite as odd and as beautiful as what happened between my old friend Callie Cavanaugh and myself on that chilly January in '98. (sighs)
EXIT NARRATOR

Callie: I want to do it.
Liz: No.
Callie: Come on, I want to do it.
Liz: No, it's too stupid. We only did it that first time 'cause we were fucked up.
Callie: (laughs) I know, but I want to do it. Come on, it will be fun.
Liz: No.
Callie: Liz! (short pause) Come on! Quit being a bitch about it.
Liz: No, that's it. No.
Callie: Bitch.
Liz: You're the bitch, bitch.
Callie: For christ sakes. No one's here, we're all alone. No one's gonna hear us.
Liz: Yeah right.
Callie: What? Like a bunch of storm troopers are gonna' come through the door at any time? Come on!
Liz: No, I won't do it. No. No.
Callie: Please?
Liz: No.
Callie: Pleaseeeeeeeeeeee?
Liz: No.
Callie: Bitch, pleassssssssseeeeeeeee?
Liz: (long pause) For how long?
Callie: Yay! Ok, just a little while. Whenever you get tired I guess.
Liz: This is awful. Shit.
Callie: Come on, it will be fun. (goes to turn on DMX "It's Dark and Hell Is Hot" track 2, "Ruff Ryders Anthem.")
Liz: This is embarassing.
Callie: (laughs) No one is here. (PRESS PLAY) Now, get ready. Are you ready?
Liz: I guess.
Callie: Ok, here we go.
Both: "Stop. Drop. Shut `em down, open up shop. Whooooaaaa Nooooooo. That's how Ruff Ryders roll. Nigga's wanna' try. Nigga's wanna' lie. Nigga's wonder why. Nigga's wanna' die. All I know is pain. All I feel is rain. How can I maintain with that shit on my brain? I resort to violence, my nigga's move in silence. Like you don't know what our style is, New York nigga's the wildest. My nigga's is wit it. You want it, come and get it. Took it then we split it. You fuckin' right we did it. What the fuck you gon' do? We be movin' on you fuckin' wit the wrong crew, don't know what we goin' through. I might have to show nigga's how easily we blow nigga's, when we find out that some mo nigga's, is runnin wit yo nigga's. Nothin' we can't handle, break it off and dismantle, light it up like a candle just `cause I can't stand you. Put my shit on tapes like you bustin grapes. Think you holdin' weight? Then you haven't met the ape. Stop. Drop. Shut 'em down open up shop..."

ENTER NARRATOR
Narrator: As we finished the last verse and the last refrain, we both came to a point in our lives where we look at each other and just know what the other was thinking. We ended up dropping acid that night, and even then, we were still able to read each others mind amidst all the drug crazed confusion. It was a relationship unparalled to any other. (pause) You know, most friends have bracelets to mark their friendship. Or they mixed their blood together. Or they share douches. And those are great, but we had something truly great; we could recite DMX lyrics together. Show me two people who can rap with DMX flawlessly and I'll show you a perfect friendship. (pause) God how I miss those days.
End Scene




For those Ghostbuster fans out there, you'll notice I stole the title from a line Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) says to Ray (Dan Akroyd). I feel so guilty. Apologizes to Ivan, and Dan.

I'm so confused. Here I'm pregnant (YAY! It's a boy!). But here I'm not pregnant. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should see my obstetrician. It might be good if I start taking my birth control again too.
posted by BC 5:20 PM